12.23.2008 – Teetering
I find myself often teetering between feeling that I’m atheist and feeling that I’m agnostic. And I guess most often I think my agnosticism battles the logical side of my mind for just a little bit of control.
I guess I look at it this way. I really have a hard time believing that ‘this is it’. I mean this life. Our lifespans are really a nano-fraction of a split second in the endless expanse of time and space. If this life was really all that there is for us…how amazingly insignificant it really is. The impact that we would have on the world and universe around us is, for all intents and purposes, negligible. I find it hard to swallow that we are given such an amazingly small portion of time to live our lives and that is all there is.
And how sad it is to think that once we are gone, we are gone and there is nothing more. I mean, obviously, the athiest side of me buys that theory. But if that’s the truth, then it almost seems like…why bother trying to better ourselves. What’s the real use in any of this? Why break our necks day in and day out just to extend what will ultimately just end anyway.
I suppose some would say, well then we should live each day of our lives likes it’s the last one we are ever going to have. I find that a bit self -centered…but also justifiable. It’s hard, though, to feel that way without a massive foreboding feeling that at any time it can all just end and all the people that we love in life will be gone and we’ll never have those connections again.
It’s probably just that FEAR of the end that keeps me thinking that there may be something else. It’s certainly isn’t a theistic perspective. I guess i just have to HOPE that in some way we live on. Whether in some collective universal consciousness, or possibly some individual spiritual self awareness of some kind. Obviously, I don’t have the answers. I don’t think I ever will. I don’t think any of us ever will. But I’m also not sold on the fact that this is all there is.