Home > depression, life > 04.22.2010 – Set-Back

04.22.2010 – Set-Back

Ok, so it’s been almost a month since I posted anything. And I’ll be completely honest about why. This damn depression has, once again, snuck up on me and smacked me around. While it’s not nearly the intensity that it was 6 or 7 years ago, it sucks nonetheless. It’s disappointing. I thought I had control over this. I was at peace and content with myself, and then, like it does every so often, bam! It’s back. And usually when I least expect it to be. I have so many reasons to be happy and yet, I’m not right now.

I hate even talking or writing about this stuff anymore. It’s just a repetitive, monotonous cycle. But the reality is, talking and writing about it helps me. It always has. I recently found a web-page with a bunch of my old poems and song lyrics that I wrote when I was really struggling. I am amazed how far I’ve come since then, but it’s also a reminder that I still need to make a conscious effort to focus on the positive, live life to the fullest, embrace those around me who matter, and just try to be happy. I say ‘conscious effort’ because, while I had some medical help years ago, and that did help me get through the worst of it, I’ve learned that a lot of the recovery is, in fact, a personal decision. It took me a lot of years and soul-searching (pardon the pseudo-religious euphemism) to train my mind to do that.

I realize that this pattern will soon break and everything will be back to the way it was, but I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head. I apologize to anyone who actually reads this blog for the absenteeism and the downer of a post. I shall finish with one of my writings from long ago:

UNCERTAINTY

It’s always raining in my dreams
The water flows from clouds above
Rain soaked memories all around me
Wash me clean of all this blood

I stare the end straight in the eyes
And it looks back and laughs
Nobody sees and nobody knows
Why I walk this darkened path

I wish I could see where this goes
I wish I knew what is around the next corner
Another fork in the road confuses
Another decision is in order

Arms stretched wide I stare at the sky
While the raindrops sting my eyes
Each one a tiny indecision
Their cold wetness cuts like knives

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  1. April 22, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    Welcome back. Feel free to ramble introspectively about whatever you need to write or ramble about, especially if it helps you. No apologies necessary. I can unsubscribe if I can’t handle it.

    • adoubtersramblings
      April 23, 2010 at 6:39 am

      Thanks Brap! I appreciate the understanding! Read through some of your blog…interesting stuff for sure. Gonna have to find some more time to check it out, even though you don’t want us Atheists participating! 😉

  2. June 7, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Hi again,

    Well I’ve just finished reading all your posts…I really enjoyed them…thanks!

    Just wanted to mention something about my perspective on depression. As a female, I have had to put up with being depressed and anxious at least one day per month for most of my life. It was hard as first but then I realised that after a day or two it ALWAYS got better…and in fact it became a little(for me anyway) like the opportunity to “let out” all the negative and sad stuff that may have happened over the previous month in a single day so that I could move on and appreciate the happy stuff for the majority of the month.

    However, recently I’ve been feeling depressed much more often(not just a day or two a month). Now I’m just going to write as I think it, so forgive my ramblings…

    If I delve into the feeling of depression it’s actually a very isolated and insular feeling. In fact, it’s all about “me”. I close myself off and can’t handle the world….it’s an “exclusive” state of being. Then if I think about what I do/feel like when I’m happy, I’m so confident and want to share it with the world…it’s an “inclusive” state of being.

    So maybe our depressive feelings are really our way of saying to ourselves that we need to take some time for ourselves, to really analyse who and what we are…maybe it’s a warning sign that we are not “on our right track” and need to do some introspection to realign ourselves with who we are. Maybe it’s actually our gift to ourselves to “stop everything else and sort ourselves out”!!

    As I said, sorry for the ramblings…

  3. adoubtersramblings
    June 7, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    No need to appologize…as you can see from the title of my page, ‘Ramblings’ are perfectly acceptable here.

    thank you for taking the time to read all of that. I’m still amazed that anyone would! ;). That being said, your response here is very insightful. I really like that perspective and it makes a lot of sense. I might have to try to adopt that outlook a bit and see where it goes.

    again, I really appreciate the feedback! Take care, and I hope all works out for you as well!

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