06.07.2010 – Lost?
I’m not sure what’s going on with me lately. I haven’t felt like ‘myself’ in a long while. To be honest, I’m not even sure what ‘myself’ means anymore. It seems that my mind is always going in a thousand different directions and a lot of times my point of view seems to change with the wind.
For example, and just a silly little example at that, I overheard small portion of two co-worker’s conversation earlier today, and the one said to the other “You’re not a big Global Warming guy are you?”. That’s all I heard, but the inner monologue I had going on after that was: “Of course he’s not, he wouldn’t want to actually LOOK at any of the evidence would he?”. And then I had to give pause. Because if I would have actually SAID that to them, I’m sure one of them would have said something along the lines of “And what is the evidence?”. I would have been stuck. I know for certain that I’ve read and heard the arguments from scientific studies on global warming. And all I have to go on is those experts. Obviously, I am not a scientist and don’t have first hand access to the data. And it’s not the kind of thing that I seem capable of keeping in my brain to be able to bring up at a moments notice and defend the position that I have. So, I question myself. Do I really believe what I believe in this case? Or am I just trying to convince myself of something? I end up feeling hypocritical when it’s all said and done.
That is just one example. I don’t know. I just feel like I’ve kind of lost who I am over the last decade or so. I used to enjoy so many things that I no longer find any use for. I feel lost. I wish I knew why this was so I could fix it. Occasionally, I’ll have a day where I can look back at the end and think, wow…I wish everyday could be like that. And then my question is why can’t everyday be like that? I mean…so few are. Maybe I wouldn’t value those days so much if they were more frequent.
I understand that this whole post is vague. And I guess that’s because I don’t really know what the issue is. I’m hoping that by starting to write this stuff down, I can work through what’s going on in my head and get to the crux of the issue.
Why is being happy and content such a struggle?