11.01.2010 – Tired
I’m tired. I’m just so bloody tired.
I’m tired of all the noise. I’m tired of delusion. I’m tired of conficting thoughts in my own mind. Sometimes I feel like it might be easier to just admit defeat and follow the religious crowd that most of my family and friends are a part of. Because, sometimes it’s tiring to be considered the ‘outcast’. The black sheep. It becomes exhausting, depressing, and disappointing to be the loner. But do I really have a choice? Could I even force myself to return to a worldview that every molecule of my being tells me is false? That’s not to say that everything I believe is the absolute truth (I’m not that arrogant). Absolute truth is hard (maybe impossible) to prove. However, it’s not nearly as hard to know that something is wrong. When the preaching of that something so completely goes against all reason and logic, it’s safe to assume that it’s not reality. But yet, each and every day I’m presented with so many ideas, comments, and retorts from the religious folks around me that it just starts to beat me down. And today is one of those days when it seems to have piled up and done just that.
I don’t know what to think today. There’s very little clarity of thought in my mind (which means this is probably not a good time to write, but oh well).
I’m searching for the ‘off’ switch…but it doesn’t seem to exist. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow is a better day.