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Posts Tagged ‘dying’

07.27.2010 – I’m not afraid of dying

As someone who often ponders the wonders and mysteries of our universe, it’s should not be surprising that at times those thoughts move to the concept of death. I’ve thought (as I’m sure most of us have) deeply and intently about this inevitability from time to time.

I used to have a definite fear of death. The concept of being dead was terrifying to me. I think that had a lot to do with the religious implications that I had in my head as a believer. Obviously, there is a wide spectrum of possible destinations were religious concepts to be true. So, for me at that time, the fear was making a mistake before dying that would land me in a place that I certainly didn’t want to end up.

In my current belief system, being dead is dead, and as Mark Twain said:

 “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

So, for me now, it’s not so much a FEAR of death (albeit, there is still a fear of a painful death, but that’s the fear of the actual pain, not the dying part) but a feeling of loss. A feeling of sadness for not being able to experience this life anymore or to be with the people who matter the most to me. I think that’s the hardest thing of all to accept. Sometimes I have to stop myself from imagining that awful day because the emotional impact becomes so tangible. It’s a reality, though. As much a part of life as birth is. Albeit, I would have to say it’s the worst part. There’s comfort to be had in this worldview, and I will probably get into that in a follow-up post. But for now, I’ll just say that it’s yet another reason to live every single day like it’s the last one you’ll have, because you never know…it might just be.

10.5.2009 – Thoughts for today….

my grandmother passed away last night. and this is what I do when I need to sort out my mind. I write. Not well…but I write. And it helps…

I think that full-lives should be celebrated at the time of their ending. There are so many wonderful years, and wonderful things to remember about people. It’s just sad that the last few days, weeks, or months can be a so terribly painful and terribly undignified cap on an otherwise brilliant life. I realize this has more of an effect on us that are still alive, but really, that’s the thing that seems to be effecting me at the moment. I’m trying really hard to focus on the good years. The good memories. And trying to disregard all the ugliness that was recent history. It’s a challenge to be sure, but not an insurmountable challenge.

For us that remain here. I feel that we need to try SO much harder to appreciate the people that we have. To love each other unconditionally and without reservation.  Because once they are gone, we’ve lost our chance. And regret is an awful thing to have to live with.

I’m so glad that I got an afternoon to spend with my Grandmother a few weeks ago. At that time, while being confined to a wheel chair, she still seemed to full of life. She still had so much light in her eyes. I am so thankful that I was able to sit and talk with her. Give her a hug and a kiss before she left.

So, even though our families have been distant, and we can probably never feel like we’ve had enough time with our loved ones, I guess I can take some comfort in knowing that I was able to have a few ‘last moments’ with her while she was still very much alive. And I believe that she felt the same way about that day.

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