Ok, so it’s been almost a month since I posted anything. And I’ll be completely honest about why. This damn depression has, once again, snuck up on me and smacked me around. While it’s not nearly the intensity that it was 6 or 7 years ago, it sucks nonetheless. It’s disappointing. I thought I had control over this. I was at peace and content with myself, and then, like it does every so often, bam! It’s back. And usually when I least expect it to be. I have so many reasons to be happy and yet, I’m not right now.
I hate even talking or writing about this stuff anymore. It’s just a repetitive, monotonous cycle. But the reality is, talking and writing about it helps me. It always has. I recently found a web-page with a bunch of my old poems and song lyrics that I wrote when I was really struggling. I am amazed how far I’ve come since then, but it’s also a reminder that I still need to make a conscious effort to focus on the positive, live life to the fullest, embrace those around me who matter, and just try to be happy. I say ‘conscious effort’ because, while I had some medical help years ago, and that did help me get through the worst of it, I’ve learned that a lot of the recovery is, in fact, a personal decision. It took me a lot of years and soul-searching (pardon the pseudo-religious euphemism) to train my mind to do that.
I realize that this pattern will soon break and everything will be back to the way it was, but I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head. I apologize to anyone who actually reads this blog for the absenteeism and the downer of a post. I shall finish with one of my writings from long ago:
It’s always raining in my dreams
The water flows from clouds above
Rain soaked memories all around me
Wash me clean of all this blood
I stare the end straight in the eyes
And it looks back and laughs
Nobody sees and nobody knows
Why I walk this darkened path
I wish I could see where this goes
I wish I knew what is around the next corner
Another fork in the road confuses
Another decision is in order
Arms stretched wide I stare at the sky
While the raindrops sting my eyes
Each one a tiny indecision
Their cold wetness cuts like knives
I believe that this whole pursuit of mine is really just my way of trying to find some inner peace. Some way to be happy and satisfied with the life I’ve been handed. From as far back as I can remember, I’ve never been at peace with myself. There’s always been inner turmoil, self-doubt, paranoia, and guilt. More than anything else…guilt.
The problems I’ve had I believe root in my upbringing. Christianity (and most other major religious) foster guilt. I have always had such a problem feeling guilty about things. Even things that I had absolutely NOTHING to do with. I think that a lot of that comes from being brought up in a church that says that basically everyone is a sinner and most everything that humans do is sin. I have a real problem with that. I can’t honestly believe that by our nature we are sinners that need saving. And anyone who doesn’t believe and follow that ideology is doomed to an eternity in a pit of fire.
The more I find out about the differing veiwpoints and beliefs throughout the world and history, the more I feel it’s ok to believe what I believe. It’s ok to not follow ‘the crowd’ and do what everyone else is doing just because that’s the way it’s always been done. I hope that this trend continues. I think i deserve some inner peace for a change.