So, upon reaching another milestone (or I should say 23,343,648,000 milestone) is seems natural to sit back and take a little ‘life inventory’. ..
40 trips around the Sun!
Those trips have been educational. The bumps and bruises along the way have molded me into the person I am now. It almost seems like these first 40 were just a preparation for a life that starts now. I feel like I can take the things I’ve learned, apply them to my life, and live better for the next 40. At least that’s the plan!
Learn, learn, learn, and then learn some more. I don’t have any grand delusions of making a huge impact on the whole world (though at one time I did – at least I hoped). However, if I can be a positive example on my little circle of influence, then maybe the exponential ripple will travel far. Constant learning and growing, that’s the plan!
Happiness! There’s nothing more important, in my opinion. I’ve seen the darkest of the dark in my own mind at times during these 40 trips. So I’ve learned to value the importance of just being happy and content. I intend on traveling these next 23,343,648,000 miles as happy as I can possibly be. I will try to take life’s lumps as they come, handle them, chalk them up to experience and learn to be happy through it all. Life is way too short to waste a single day in misery. I only wish I’d learned that sooner!
Lessons yet to fully learn: Patience & tolerance to name two (oh and to cut back on the road rage!). Always more to work on in those two areas for me.
So with that, how about a stupid little poem:
40 trips around the sun
Some were tough but most were fun
Don’t know how many I’ve left to run
maybe 40 more before I’m done?
Well, here we go again. I’ve been in a down-mode for quite a while now. It’s left me feeling completely unmotivated. I just don’t really get it this time. I don’t feel overly sad, actually, I FEEL kind of content overall. I just lack any kind of motivation to do the things I usually like to do. Exercise, take photos, write, etc. I dunno. I’m sure it’s some kind of seasonal affective disorder, but the random nature of it bothers me. It doesn’t seem to sync up to the same times every year. All I do is work, go home, sit on my ass, get up the next day and do it all again. I feel like this cycle is endless and there’s nothing I can really do about it.
Today I choose. And while I believe that all politicians inevitably kowtow to the money that got them where they are, I choose what, in my mind, is the lesser of two (or more) evils. I would much rather use my valuable vote on the folks that I think are actually qualified for the jobs they desire, and those who I believe are actually interested in the service of the public. However, I know that if I were to use my vote on those folks my vote would be wasted. It would not to any damage to the greater of the two (or more) evils that are most likely to win. The folks I speak of do not bow down to the highest bidder, and therefore don’t have a voice in today’s political world. They are the independents, the moderates, those not affiliated with either of the two major parties. The majority of the general populous does not do the hard work to dig and find what these people are all about. The majority grasps in their mouths the loaded spoon that they are offered and swallows. They willfully accept the status quo, while at the same time complaining about the woes of our society and the damaged system that they so eagerly participate in. While I hate politics in general, I hate apathy and hypocrisy even more.
So, today I choose. I choose with reluctance and reservation, but I choose nonetheless.
I’m tired. I’m just so bloody tired.
I’m tired of all the noise. I’m tired of delusion. I’m tired of conficting thoughts in my own mind. Sometimes I feel like it might be easier to just admit defeat and follow the religious crowd that most of my family and friends are a part of. Because, sometimes it’s tiring to be considered the ‘outcast’. The black sheep. It becomes exhausting, depressing, and disappointing to be the loner. But do I really have a choice? Could I even force myself to return to a worldview that every molecule of my being tells me is false? That’s not to say that everything I believe is the absolute truth (I’m not that arrogant). Absolute truth is hard (maybe impossible) to prove. However, it’s not nearly as hard to know that something is wrong. When the preaching of that something so completely goes against all reason and logic, it’s safe to assume that it’s not reality. But yet, each and every day I’m presented with so many ideas, comments, and retorts from the religious folks around me that it just starts to beat me down. And today is one of those days when it seems to have piled up and done just that.
I don’t know what to think today. There’s very little clarity of thought in my mind (which means this is probably not a good time to write, but oh well).
I’m searching for the ‘off’ switch…but it doesn’t seem to exist. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow is a better day.
In a lot of ways, I feel like I’ve only recently begun to live my life. Having done away with, what I feel were, childish belief systems, I now seem to know and value what this short life actually is. Although I believe that this learning process is a life-long one, I think I’m just at the very beginning of a new journey.
I spent a lot of my years as a believer, trying to find ways of living the life I wanted to live (which always seemed to go ‘against the rules’ of Christianity), while trying to avoid the guilt that inevitably came along with that. As a teenager, and the natural rebellion that seems to come with that age, resulted in a huge pile of guilt that I carried around for many years. As a young adult and a musician in a rock band, I had to try to hide from most people my late nights playing in clubs and all the extras that go along with it. I had to try to justify in my mind the joy that I experienced in living that way against the backdrop of a belief system that constantly told me that it was wrong.
In the years leading up to my official ‘deconversion’, there were periods of time where I would talk openly about being an atheist with people who would ask me, while in the back of my head, I was still rather unsure. Most times, though, when discussing things of a religious nature, I would just clam up. Maybe nod my head in pseudo agreement and hope desperately that the topic would change soon. What I remember from those times is a lot of turmoil in my own head. A lot of not knowing what to think, say, or feel. For as awful as those years were for me, I think they prepared me for the next stage of life: coming out atheist.
I have now found my voice. I know what I believe, and why I believe it. That doesn’t mean that I’m close-minded. It just means that I’ve done the hard work of thinking this all out, and I’m comfortable in the conclusions that I’ve come to. The universe makes a lot more sense to me now. I’m no longer afraid to speak my mind (though, sometimes I choose not to just to avoid an argument that I know is futile anyway). Those closest to me, know my point of view, and there has been some progress in bridging those gaps. My only regret is that it took so long for things to get to where they are.
As I said above, I believe life is a learning process and a journey. I don’t think I’m starting at the beginning now, but the road has taken a sharp turn, and has opened up onto a much wider, pot-hole patched highway. I can take the experiences that I encountered on the wooded, overgrown paths of early life and use them to continue along down this smooth paved road.
I’ve started a Facebook fan page where I’ll be posting updates when I write new blogs over here. It’s also open to any and all related discussions (though, not much of that has happened to this point, but it’s still new). So feel free to head over (if you want) and ‘Like’ the page. I promise not to over post! 😉