7.23.2019 – It’s back

It’s been a while…but it’s back. Started yesterday. Let’s hope for a quick recovery this time.

12.23.2018 – A ‘Lovely’ Christmas Message From My Mother

 

This ‘sweet’ little message was posted by my mother on Facebook today:

 

And she legitimately wonders why I don’t want to spend time with her and her cult! Maybe I won’t bother coming over this year and she can spend the holiday with her invisible friend.

withdrawal

i isolate

i hide

every damn day

endeavors  tried

 

to maintain

to endure

a painted mask

tied tight, secure

 

i reject

i shun

locking doors

one-on-none

 

no kinship

no relation

fruitless objective

listless reciprocation

 

12.14.2018 – The Persistent Voice

 

When things are going well…

…it speaks

When things are going poorly…

…it speaks

On sunny and wet days…

…it speaks

Alone or in a crowd…

…it speaks

When I least expect it to…

…it speaks

12.5.2018 – ‘Incredibly Offensive’ – An Unsolicited Note from My Uncle

 

Last Sunday night I received the following Facebook message from my Uncle Bob, who, by the way, I have had very little contact with over the last 15 to 20 years. My initial reply was short and sweet:

 

 

This is the image that he is so butt-hurt about:

 

I intended to leave it at that, but after a few days of pondering this unsolicited contact, I decide to write the following reply:

 

I, too, considered letting sleeping dogs lie. But after I thought about this little note for a while, I figured nope, some things need straightened out here. So, let’s break it down:

1. “Incredibly offensive”. I found it “incredibly funny”. But maybe I just have a different sense of humor. Not to mention, if you’re offended by it, that’s on you, not me. You chose to be offended.
2. “Absolutely unnecessary” – yeah…everything on Facebook is unnecessary. So, what’s the point?
3. “Coming from someone claiming to be “just a good person””. How do you know anything about what I consider myself? From Facebook? That’s a laugh. As someone who is completely uninvolved in my life, you don’t know the first thing about what I consider myself.
4. “My family deserves more respect than this from you”. Gotcha! All of the ‘god-people’ are good to say all the “god bless yous” and “god loves yous” and “you’re going the hells” that they want, ad nauseam, but I’m just supposed to keep my opinions to myself as to not offend THEM.
5. People who love one another don’t ignore each other for years and years. I’ve been ignored, my wife has been ignored, and your great niece has been ignored. But don’t bother feeling bad about it. We have a good life together.

What really gets my goat, though, is trying to figure out what would possess a 50-something year old man to think he needs to “scold” a 46-year-old man about his profile picture on Facebook. That is a mainly rhetorical statement though. I know the issue. Oh, the abject horror of seeing something that goes against your deeply held beliefs!!!! It’s fear. And that’s just sad. It’s truly a wonderful thing to not have to be bogged down by that silliness anymore.

So, do what you feel you need to do (though I see I’ve already been unfriended. Petty), but watch out for crossing boundaries again. I’ll change the picture when I feel like changing the picture and not one second before.

 

I have received no reply…yet.

 

11.28.2018 – I Never “Get There” – Adventures in High-Functioning Depression

 

In my many efforts in trying to understand, and manage, my depression and anxiety, I’ve found that it’s valuable, from time to time, to reflect on the past in an effort to understand the present in order to maybe be able to create a better future. I realized today that for most of my adult life I’ve always been working towards attaining certain goals. The thought being: “if I can only get to (fill in the blank), life will get better and I can stop worrying and maybe be happy”. This has been a fruitless endeavor.

”if I can just do well in school, things will get better”

”if I can just land that great job, things will get better”

”if I can just pay off the bills, things will get better”

”if I can afford that nice car, things will get better”

“if I can just buy a house, things will get better”

”if I can just get the house fixed, things will get better”

”if I can just get that promotion, things will get better”

The thing is, the goal line is always being moved further away. As one goal gets accomplished, something else is always there, lurking around the corner, to take control of my mind and start the wheels of worry spinning again. Worry is anxiety, and anxiety inevitably leads to depressive episodes. The cycle continues relentlessly.

I know that mindfulness and attempting to ‘live in the moment’ has helped in the past, but that is so difficult for me to do on an consistent basis. Those worries are very powerful. The anxiety seems to have super-human strength at times. Exercise helps too, but that’s even more difficult to get motivated to do. Balance is hard. How to maintain body and mind while doing enough in my career to not have to worry about losing my job and not being able to take care of my family. It’s all so damn hard.

There are stretches where I seem to be comfortable in my own skin. I had a good long stretch when I first started back on meds (Lexapro) in 2015. After a year or so, however, I started having low times again. The doctor recommended doubling my dose during those times, then returning to my usual dose when the symptoms subside. I’ve done that, but lately, the low periods seem to be winning out. Instead of feeling mostly at peace and calm, I’m not mostly anxious and depressed. I supposed it’s probably time for another visit to the doctor.

09.14.2018 – sometimes I cry

That’s it. Sometimes I cry.

Fuck It All

fuck wars

fuck nationalism

fuck guns

fuck religion

fuck arrogance

fuck hatred

fuck trump

fuck faith

fuck ignorance

fuck nazis

fuck racism

fuck it all

La tristesse durera toujours

“La tristesse durera toujours”

My not-so-secret secret

 

For the better part of 15 years now, I’ve dealt with mild to severe depression. It comes and goes seemingly randomly. I haven’t been able to pin-point the triggers and haven’t made much progress in controlling it. I don’t deal well with medication and I’m not big on talking, so the counseling angle is never very appealing. Usually, the episodes are around 2 weeks long and then fade and everything goes back to normal (which is probably still depressed, but manageable). For the last 8 months or so, however, it’s been more of a constant weight with some time-spans dipping into the severe range for extended periods. I think it’s time for me to get some help, but taking that first step is the hardest part.

What the last 8 months has shown me, however, is that most people in my life don’t even notice, or at least don’t get what is going on. And that makes it worse. Am I really that much of an asshole on a regular basis, that when things get really bad in my head, outwardly I’m not all that different? Those that do notice, tend to say the worst possible things that they could to a depressed person. I’m sure it stems from misunderstanding and a feeling of being unable to know what to do, but these are a few things that, at least from my perspective, should never be said to, or around, a depressed person:

• “Cheer up!” – That is one phrase, above all others, that makes just want to punch someone in the throat.
• “He’s grumpy today” – Grumpy? Talk about trivializing. Ugh.
• “He’s just being a dick today” – Yeah, while I had headphones on at work (nothing play on them) and a coworker (who is also a close friend) said that to a bunch of folks (including my boss) who were in his cubicle (next to mine).
• “What’s your problem?” or “Why are you so miserable?” – I’m not going to answer with “I am depressed”. So, my non-answer will just lead to the statements above anyway by my avoiding the question.
• “Focus on the positive” – If I could do that, I wouldn’t be a depressive. My brain doesn’t allow that.
• “I’m praying for you” – Just…don’t.

Some suggestions of things that might be somewhat helpful, or at the least not hurtful:

• “Is there anything I can do to help?” – Probably not, but at least it’s a non-accusatory thing to say.
• “Sorry that you’re dealing with this.”
• “I’m here for you if you need anything”
• Say nothing at all

So, I guess I just wanted this to serve as a reason (not an excuse) for the way I respond (or don’t respond as it were) to the various things that life throws my way. Take it for what it’s worth, or don’t take it. Either is fine. When it’s bad, I internalize. I don’t talk. I don’t want to talk. And trying to make me talk makes it worse. But saying stuff like what is on the first list above should be the very LAST thing anyone should do. But…they still will.